Warning: Long-ish post :)
I had a wonderful weekend.
Lone photo walk in China Town, clubbing with friends- where I danced like a happy maniac might I add, watching while they played poker (I do NOT have the face for this game), lots of conversation and a little bit of planning next weekend's activities.
I loved it. It was all very slice of life in Singapore. It made me remember that I am here to make a whole life.
Until then it always seemed like a temporary thing. Mentally, I was still living out of my suitcase. I think that's mainly because my usual activities in Singapore are all job hunt related. Even when I do something that has nothing to do with the hunt, it's somehow about the hunt. Online applications, tweaking my resume and customising cover letters, going out for a run as a break from job hunting, sketching for a bit to clear my head before beginning follow up calls and emails.. you get the drift.
It's not easy to snap out of. I mean, I should only be thinking about finding work and nothing else. Shouldn't I?
The truth is, thinking this way is exhausting. And not sustainable. There are so many things about this phase of unemployment that have surprised me. Well, maybe not surprised, but their intensity certainly left me momentarily fumbling for a way to deal with them effectively.
For one, I didn't realise how difficult it would be to go back to being supported financially. Savings have a nasty trait of amounting to very little after conversion to a stronger currency. They also have an unfortunate tendency to flow with gay abandon like the runny nose of a child during flu season.
I have been forbidden from touching my savings for now and have family and Jinny insisting on taking care of the bills during this phase. I love them for the support. And I am finally making some progress in my effort to not feel so apologetic about needing money for purposes other than buying the groceries.
Secondly I have learned that I am unable to 'stop and smell the roses'. This particular lesson I had learned with lesser intensity and a different context during my two years in Chennai where I'd fill every waking moment of my weekends, to the point that they were just as busy and tiring as my weekdays.
I can't seem to enjoy down time. Isn't that sad? It's as if it's easier to worry about how soon I can be gainfully occupied rather than enjoying the free time I have now. It seems like the 'right' thing to do.
During times like these it's difficult to find the line between being happily engaged in activity and indulging in randomly frenzied activity just to keep the job hunt panic at bay. I have good days and not so good days with this one.
I have also learned that unemployment is not a bad word. Admittedly, its not the best of them. But I do not have to be defensive about it or need to explain my current status to anyone who asks. And sometimes even to those who don't. I have finally learnt to answer the question, "So, what do you do" with a simple, "Nothing, currently" and then talk about an exciting future rather than starting my answer by talking about what I was doing until just a month ago.
I think it's a cultural thing. When you grow up India there is The Plan. You know, the DoAProfessionalCourseGetAGoodJobGetMarriedAndHaveBabies plan. The plan that conditions you to believe that you have to get done with all major education before age 25. Having no idea what you want to do at that age is a mere technicality. And of course thinking about marrying only after you turn 28 is tantamount to disrespect to society at large as well as an early sign that you may be possessed by the devil.
Any deviation from The Plan makes you feel like a bit of a failure even when you know better than to think that way. And by 'you' I mean Me.
The good side of all of this free time is the inevitable introspection that has forced me to think about my life, specifically these last four years of living away from home. I have discovered that I have a constant thirst for learning new things. As someone who always felt they weren't driven enough, this came as a wonderful surprise to me! I now know that I am in fact, extremely driven. I may not dream of being CEO of XYZ company by age 35; but I have many aspirations that focus on learning for the sake of learning. Learning new skills, new languages, learning only to broaden my mind, sharpen my judgement, make me a richer personality. Make me a better person.
This is something that I am extremely grateful for and proud of.
I have also learned how important my people are to me. One meaningful, or nonsensical, or hilarious, or deep, or stupppid exchange with any of them, frequent or not, makes me feel immensely happy and restored. The gtalk chats, the chain emails, the phone conversations, the blog conversations, the facebook comments, the tweets.. the support and the love. I cannot imagine being this happy and this positive without all of these people. They matter more that they realise.
Each phase of my life feels like a success in itself and a wonderful blessing only because I met them there.
And that, my lowelies, is a lot of heartfelt typing for a Monday!
So for now I shall rest my weary fingers and watch some television.
I had a wonderful weekend.
Lone photo walk in China Town, clubbing with friends- where I danced like a happy maniac might I add, watching while they played poker (I do NOT have the face for this game), lots of conversation and a little bit of planning next weekend's activities.
I loved it. It was all very slice of life in Singapore. It made me remember that I am here to make a whole life.
Until then it always seemed like a temporary thing. Mentally, I was still living out of my suitcase. I think that's mainly because my usual activities in Singapore are all job hunt related. Even when I do something that has nothing to do with the hunt, it's somehow about the hunt. Online applications, tweaking my resume and customising cover letters, going out for a run as a break from job hunting, sketching for a bit to clear my head before beginning follow up calls and emails.. you get the drift.
It's not easy to snap out of. I mean, I should only be thinking about finding work and nothing else. Shouldn't I?
The truth is, thinking this way is exhausting. And not sustainable. There are so many things about this phase of unemployment that have surprised me. Well, maybe not surprised, but their intensity certainly left me momentarily fumbling for a way to deal with them effectively.
For one, I didn't realise how difficult it would be to go back to being supported financially. Savings have a nasty trait of amounting to very little after conversion to a stronger currency. They also have an unfortunate tendency to flow with gay abandon like the runny nose of a child during flu season.
I have been forbidden from touching my savings for now and have family and Jinny insisting on taking care of the bills during this phase. I love them for the support. And I am finally making some progress in my effort to not feel so apologetic about needing money for purposes other than buying the groceries.
Secondly I have learned that I am unable to 'stop and smell the roses'. This particular lesson I had learned with lesser intensity and a different context during my two years in Chennai where I'd fill every waking moment of my weekends, to the point that they were just as busy and tiring as my weekdays.
I can't seem to enjoy down time. Isn't that sad? It's as if it's easier to worry about how soon I can be gainfully occupied rather than enjoying the free time I have now. It seems like the 'right' thing to do.
During times like these it's difficult to find the line between being happily engaged in activity and indulging in randomly frenzied activity just to keep the job hunt panic at bay. I have good days and not so good days with this one.
I have also learned that unemployment is not a bad word. Admittedly, its not the best of them. But I do not have to be defensive about it or need to explain my current status to anyone who asks. And sometimes even to those who don't. I have finally learnt to answer the question, "So, what do you do" with a simple, "Nothing, currently" and then talk about an exciting future rather than starting my answer by talking about what I was doing until just a month ago.
I think it's a cultural thing. When you grow up India there is The Plan. You know, the DoAProfessionalCourseGetAGoodJobGetMarriedAndHaveBabies plan. The plan that conditions you to believe that you have to get done with all major education before age 25. Having no idea what you want to do at that age is a mere technicality. And of course thinking about marrying only after you turn 28 is tantamount to disrespect to society at large as well as an early sign that you may be possessed by the devil.
Any deviation from The Plan makes you feel like a bit of a failure even when you know better than to think that way. And by 'you' I mean Me.
The good side of all of this free time is the inevitable introspection that has forced me to think about my life, specifically these last four years of living away from home. I have discovered that I have a constant thirst for learning new things. As someone who always felt they weren't driven enough, this came as a wonderful surprise to me! I now know that I am in fact, extremely driven. I may not dream of being CEO of XYZ company by age 35; but I have many aspirations that focus on learning for the sake of learning. Learning new skills, new languages, learning only to broaden my mind, sharpen my judgement, make me a richer personality. Make me a better person.
This is something that I am extremely grateful for and proud of.
I have also learned how important my people are to me. One meaningful, or nonsensical, or hilarious, or deep, or stupppid exchange with any of them, frequent or not, makes me feel immensely happy and restored. The gtalk chats, the chain emails, the phone conversations, the blog conversations, the facebook comments, the tweets.. the support and the love. I cannot imagine being this happy and this positive without all of these people. They matter more that they realise.
Each phase of my life feels like a success in itself and a wonderful blessing only because I met them there.
And that, my lowelies, is a lot of heartfelt typing for a Monday!
So for now I shall rest my weary fingers and watch some television.
Aah... My Dear dear Sheetu...
ReplyDeleteThank you. Thank you once again. Thank you a third time...
Perhaps I may not be a good wordsmith as you are, but then again, I don't really put words to my thought.
Each line of yours is just like what I am going through. And yes, I have experienced it well enough, longer than you have.
There is one thing that I would like to point out - the ability to stop and smell the roses, is inversely proportional to the influence of The Plan in your vicinity. One may oneself not be amenable to follow the plan, hence want to smell galore, but if the people around you want you to follow the plan - you've had it. Every spare moment of yours will be filled by nagging of why that spare moment is not being utilised in hunting for a job.
I hope and pray that the second is not the case with you. Trying to brake oneself from the rat race is ok, if you are able to handle the heat - but if there're others pushing around you... well, you get the picture.
Best of luck in life.
Regards,
Grondmaster
i know, baby. just stay awesome. like attracts like. it's 'the' secret.
ReplyDeleteand far or near (though far is increasingly feeling like a real, physical absence, though God knows I haven't haven't been around you in a long, long time), I am thankful for you too.
ya.
@Grondmaster: Harshal! so good to see you here :) Proximity to evangelists of The Plan is definitely a problem. But my own conditioning also keeps me closer to the plan than I like. Working on that though.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for visiting and commenting!
@Rizado: GoriMadam, you please keep me updated on your Hong Kong trip. I have shadily decide to descend on you guys for a weekend if possible.
ReplyDeleteAnd full agreement of the like attracts like.
I must be an awesome friend to have attracted you.
Also, gorgeous!
ya.
Sheetu what a beatutiful post and what a refreshing start to a very pissed off day. You won't believe how its been POURING here for 3 days and I had full plans of writing a "IHateTheRains" post (please note the very shameless copying of your writing style). Thanks you, as always, for making me smile. Hugs n God Bless!
ReplyDeleteAnnamylowe, why pissed off day? It's pouring here too. It suddenly turns dark and rains like maddd and equally suddenly stops and becomes soooo hot that you kinda want it to go back to raining. I feel you svitty!
ReplyDeleteHuggg right back at you. Looking forward to the IHateTheRains post. :)
Finally a post that made a create a blog just to respond to it. A snipet of the varied beauty that is Sheetal. Loved your post my friend. It was like a conversation on your kitchen counter (the closest thing to therapy I have come across thus far). I hope that you are keeping postive and counting your blessings my friend.
ReplyDeleteI have some big news, but I have wasted all my time trying too create a blog so this weekend expect an email from me. Love you long time.
OVER AND OUT.
Smarry, you're too kind. Good to see you here :) Aah yes, the kitchen confessions. Good good times.
ReplyDeleteWhat is this big news you have mentioned in this teaser like fashion? Looking forward to your email.
Double love. Over and out indeedy!
Hey Sheetal. Love your post. You mirror so much of what I was going through a few months ago. I've given up aggressive job hunting for a few months as I wait for something else to pan out.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how amazingly courageous you are. You are one of the many many women who are giving up stable careers in one lucrative location and are willing to start from scratch in another only to be closer to their significant others. Its amazing how more and more women in our generation are doing this. And I woulda thought with all the opportunity we've had growing up in India, in terms of great education and an excellent economy that can use our skills, it'd make us uncompromising, dangerously career-minded women.
Hang in there. You'll be fine. Nothing lasts forever.
I wrote about unemployment and the horrible state of mind it puts you in about a year ago. I'd love it if you could have a read: http://saberablogs.blogspot.com/2009/11/how-do-you-stay-positive-in-your-job.html
Hey Sabera,
ReplyDeleteI just read you article on how to stay positive during the job hunt. Wonderfully written! And I can so relate right now!
Having a schedule and keeping fit are the only things that are keeping my mind happily occupied and keeping negativity at bay. Well, that and my Mandarin class :D Which i love! More on that in my next post though.
Thanks for the encouragement. Seems like I'm in constant need these days. It's nice to be reminded that moving to be closer to the partner is infact a great reason for all the upheaval.
Keep visiting! and keep up your amazing work on http://onelifetoeat.com/